Friday, 10 April 2009

  • In With the New

    My new blog is finally up.  It's taking me forever to edit it just the way I like it.  I'm having a hard time figuring out how to edit my blog, but it's slowly coming together.

    I decided to keep the same name thanks to the very persuasive words of a fellow Xangan.  (Xanganite?  Xanganese?  Xanganian?)  I would like to focus the new blog on queer issues and matters of faith and religion.  I would also love to post random videos and photos and stories on my site.  Perhaps I will put my Pulse and Recommendations to good use now.  I suppose my main goal for this new blog is to post as often as I am able and not neglect it like I did this one.

    So I would like to direct you to the new and improved Tylight Zone by clicking on the link.

    The Tylight Zone

    Hope to see you there!

    t - y.

    Currently
    Ben Kweller
    By Ben Kweller
    see related

Sunday, 05 April 2009

Thursday, 02 April 2009

  • My Most Epic Dream

    Scotty Hey all!  Here is a dream that I sent to my professor last semester for Classical Sociological Theory to interpret based on Freud's theory of dreams.  Now is your chance to interpret it.  Freud would be all over this one:


    My dream started in the local swimming pool, celebrating someone’s birthday.  Everyone was there from my hometown and we were all enjoying ourselves immensely.  My dad, for some odd reason, was Scotty from Star
    Trek, and my mom was some supermodel.  Everything was going just fine until my dad, Scotty, dropped a glass pitcher of water on the side of pool, which shattered on the tile.  Instantly the party goes silent and all eyes fall on Scotty.  All he says is, “Oops,” and unexpectedly everything changes.

    My Trekky dad and my supermodel mom suddenly find themselves in a dark tunnel, located somewhere beneath the earth’s surface.  There is another woman there with them.  My dad, Scotty, took the lead and started making plans to get everyone out of the tunnels safely.  The unidentified woman protests, claiming the tunnels are filled with traps, and as long as she is with them the traps will be set off.  Scotty refuses to leave her behind and they begin making their way through the tunnels, coming to a series of rooms, each with their own unique trap.  Scotty, my supermodel mom, and the strange woman make it safely through each room, until they come to a large open room with a large floating statue on the other side.  Although they can see the door, there is no way they can get to it without being killed by the floating statue.  The woman shouts that she can’t go any further.  If Scotty and his wife wanted to survive they had to leave her behind.  Reluctantly they turn and run for the door on the other side of the room, the statue focused on the woman.  Once through the door, Scotty and his wife were safe.

    Inside the next room, a large screen was on the wall.  They soon realized it was a map of the tunnels.  And in each room they could see every trap that they had already passed or those that were waiting for them.  They could see in each room except for the one they were in.  They watched the action that took place in the room they just came from as the strange woman was destroyed by the floating statue.  After they regained their composure, they followed the tunnels looking for the exit.  Little did they realize that behind them, creeping out of a large hole in the floor, large vines were growing and twisting their way toward them.  Scotty followed the map with his finger suddenly shouting, “There it is!  The exit!   We can go home!”  Not two seconds after these words came out of his mouth, the vines lash out and wrap around my supermodel mother’s legs, quickly dragging her into the seemingly bottomless pit in the floor.  She let out a scream and Scotty sprang into action, jumping towards her and grabbing her wrists.  She was now mostly in the hole, still being pulled down by the relentless vines but Scotty refused to let go.  Just then, more vines rose out of the hole, completely wrapping themselves around Scotty’s body.  And with a final scream of pain and fear they fell into the deep dark hole …

    … Just as I woke up panting.

    It took me a few moments to realize where I was.  It was Christmas, and I was sleeping on my grandparents’ couch in the living room.  My cousins were on the hide-a-bed and the floor.  It was still dark out, the only
    light was the small beam that came in through the crack between the curtains.  I caught my breath, calmed my heart, and laid back down, staring straight up.  And there above me, hanging from the light fixture, was Scotty!  His lifeless eyes staring blankly down at me.  I almost screamed, but held it in.  I soon remembered why Scotty was hanging from the wall light above my head.  Earlier that day, we were playing hide-and-seek with my cousin’s new Star Trek toys.  Scotty went missing and we got bored of searching.  As it turns out, Scotty was left hanging from the light to haunt my dreams.

    t - y.

     

    Currently
    Lesbian and Gay Rights in Canada: Social Movements and Equality-Seeking, 1971-1995
    By Miriam Smith
    see related

Monday, 30 March 2009

  • It Grows Back ... Right?

    Last Friday I did something I never thought I would ever have the guts to do.  I shaved my head.  I buzzed off 9.5 inches of naturally curly blond hair.  It took me many months to get it as long as it was and many hours everyday just to maintain it and keep it under control.  And in just one minute it was all gone, rotting on the floor, and my scalp for the first time in 5 years was exposed for everyone to see.

    Okay, so I'm being very dramatic.  It really was not all that traumatizing.  It was actually a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be.  And I had been preparing myself for it for quite a while now.

    Since my first year of university I have wanted to be a part of the U of L head shave for cancer.  This annual event raises tens of thousands of dollars every year from our university alone.  Since the first time I saw the locks fall to the floor I have had that anxious feeling inside that I will one day be a part of it.  I decided just before Christmas that I was tired of my hair.  I've had it long for close to 5 years now.  I needed a change.  And not just a trim, I needed those from time to time.  No.  I needed a drastic change.  I needed a close shave off the top of my head.  After giving it a lot of thought I decided not to surprise my family, but grow it out just a bit longer for the upcoming head shave in March.

    Once the HeadShave Canada information was available I began collecting pledges from my friends and family.  I was hoping to make at least $2000 but I feel due to lack of time I was unable to reach my goal.  I did in the end make over $1500 though, so I'm not too disappointed.

    The week leading up to the head shave was stressful for me.  Getting together all the last minute pledges was a pain.  But it was so good to see more money being raised for the Alberta Cancer Foundation.  I also had to prepare myself for the moment I would feel the breeze flowing across my naked scalp.  I kept telling myself, "I am not my hair.  I am not my hair.  I am not my hair."  I knew my hair had become an important part of the identity I have formed over the years.  I just never knew just how important it really was to me.  It was terrifying yet very exciting to think I was going to do something drastic by shaving off all the hair that was has warranted a lot of attention from friends, family, and even complete strangers.

    And then the fateful day arrived.  At noon in the Atrium of the University of Lethbridge a crowd gathered to watch me lose my locks.  I even insisted that my parents come and witness this event.  There was a dull moment in the show and the announcer decided to spice things up a bit by calling me out of the crowd and insisting it was my turn.  I walked forward.  I looked at the growing piles of black, brown, red, and blond hair that littered the stage and felt my heart racing.  I took a deep breath, turned to face the crowd, and sat down.  The wonderful lady with the terrible scissors stood behind me, and she put my curls in elastics so that my hair could be collected and made into a wig.  And then, I felt a snip.

    There was no going back.

    A huge weight lifted off my head and I was somewhat relieved for a moment before I heard the sound of a shaver nearing my right ear.  And then bit by bit, my hair began to fall to the floor like the hair of those who had gone before me.  I cringed.  I was scared.  Yet somehow I thought it was funny.  Maybe that's my way of coping with stress.  I laugh.  So with the horrified look on my face and the convulsing of laughter I am sure from far away it looked like I was crying.  But soon it was over.  I brushed off my shoulders and neck and stood up as I heard cheering from my friends and family in the crowd.

    And that's when I felt a cold breeze flow across my naked scalp.

    Since I shaved my head I have become much more conscientious of the weather ... and of drafts.  I have also come to realize that my head does not appear as lumpy as it feels, nor is my face as hideous as I thought it was when I hid it behind my hair.  I have also come to realize that if you want to meet people in your church or in a group or class, just make an announcement you are raising money to do something crazy for a good purpose and you will instantly make new friends.  I also discovered that if you make enough awful faces at a head shave event you will get your face printed on the front page of the local newspaper.  Ugh.

    t - y.

    In memory of our dear friend and cousin Olive, and to show my support for the very beautiful Kalila.

    Here are some picture of the old hair:
         


    And here are the pictures of the shave and immediately following:  (The first is the photo that was on the cover of the Lethbridge Herald the next day.)
     
    Currently
    Seven Swans
    By Sufjan Stevens
    see related

Sunday, 15 March 2009

  • The Sins of Sodom?

    I am currently taking an upper-level Women's Studies course called The Politics of Sexual Diversity.  For our final project we have to write a paper on any issue that deals with sexual diversity.  It is a very open project, which I love.  But these open topics cause me unnecessary stress when thinking about a topic that I can write about.  After a couple months of thought, I was more or less presented a topic that I think I could most definitely fill the 15 page requirement.

    My friend, who I recently came out to, emailed me a Chick Tract on Sodom and Gomorrah called Doom Town.  If you are unfamiliar with Chick Tracts or the Doom Town tract click on the links.  If you don't feel like it, I'll just give you the short version.  Jack Chick publishes fundamentalist Protestant Christian comic tracts, some of which have been regarded as hate publications in Canada and are illegal.  Doom Town is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, and how people who are gay today are going to be destroyed simply because they are gay, just like many believe Sodom and Gomorrah were.

    I read the tract and was horrified and very offended by it.  It provided a false and vile view of gay people.  All I could think was that it was historically inaccurate, culturally ignorant, and personally offensive.  He tried to convince that this story was told out of love, but if that's love then I want nothing to do with it.  It was absolutely disgusting to me.  But I was partially thankful my friend sent it to me as I feel it gave me a great topic to write about for my final paper.  It's still in the form of a rough outline, but the main point that I am going to attempt to explain in this paper is how Christian fundamentalist groups have used false information and misrepresentation of gay people and homosexuality to oppose gay rights movements in the United States.  Sodom and Gomorrah will definitely be a part of it as I am using the tract Doom Town as my main empirical source.

    Today I came across John Corvino's website.  At the top of his site he has in large font "THE GAY MORALIST".  He has provided a number of columns that he has written over the years and I skimmed through them to find one called The Sins of Sodom.  This is his column:



    The Sins of Sodom

    by John Corvino

    First published at 365gay.com on March 31, 2008

    Though it may sound perverse, I get excited whenever religious fundamentalists speak up during the Q&A portion of my public events. While fundamentalists are hardly a dying breed, they seldom participate in such functions. And though I find their silence generally pleasing, it does rob me of what we college professors like to call “teaching moments.”

    So it piqued my interest when, at a debate in St. Louis last week, an audience member concluded an anti-gay tirade with, “Haven’t you ever heard of the Sodom and Gomorrah story?!”

    You see, I had actually read the Sodom and Gomorrah story the evening before—out loud, to a Detroit audience. If you’ve never actually read the story, find a Bible and read Genesis 19 (it’s near the beginning). You may be in for a surprise.

    A quick summary: two angels come to Sodom and Gomorrah, and Abraham’s nephew Lot invites them into his home. An angry mob surrounds the door and demands, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them.” Lot protests, offering them his virgin daughters instead. (Yes, you read that right.) But the mob keeps pressing for the visiting angels, who suddenly strike them blind. The angels then lead Lot and his family to safety, and the Lord rains fire and brimstone on the cities.

    Most scholars take the mob’s demand to “know” the visitors in a sexual (i.e. “biblical”) sense. Assuming they’re right, this oft-cited story is about an attempted gang rape. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that gang rape is BAD. But what does that have to do with homosexuality?

    At this point fundamentalists will point to the fact that the mob declined Lot’s offer of his daughters, instead demanding the (male) visitors. “Aha,” they say. This proves that the story is about homosexuality!”

    I always find this response surprising, since Lot’s offer of his daughters is an embarrassing detail of the text—for fundamentalists. Lot is supposed to be the hero of the story, renowned for his virtue. When faced with a mob of angry rapists, what does he do? Why, he does what any upstanding man would do. He offers them his virgin daughters. If you ever want an example of the Bible portraying women as expendable property, you need look no further than the Sodom and Gomorrah story.

    Some biblical scholars have suggested that the true sin of Sodom is inhospitality. Inhospitality? Failing to offer visitors a drink, after they’ve traveled a long way to see you, is inhospitality. Trying to gang rape them is quite another matter. (And let’s not forget about offering them your daughters, which apparently is biblical good form.)

    Lest you think Lot’s offer is a quirk, a strikingly similar story occurs at Judges 19. In this story, an angry mob demands to “know” visitors, and the host offers both his virgin daughter and his guest’s concubine. As in the Sodom story, the mob declines the women and keeps pressing for the visitor. This time, however, the guest tosses his concubine outside and closes the door. (Again, he’s supposed to be one of the good guys.) The mob violently rapes her until morning, when she finally collapses dead.

    The lessons to be drawn here are several. First, most people who cite the Bible against homosexuality have little idea of what it says. Either that, or they have a rather strange moral sense. A story where the good guys offer their daughters to rapists is supposed to teach us what, exactly?

    Second, the Bible contains some pretty wacky stuff. This isn’t news to those who study it carefully, but it does surprise the casual reader. For example, later in Genesis 19 Lot’s daughters get him drunk, have sex with him, and bear his children/grandchildren, without eliciting the slightest objection from the brimstone-wielding God.

    After I explained all of this to my questioner in St. Louis, my debate opponent (Glenn Stanton of Focus on the Family) interjected that the Bible contains more salient references to homosexuality than the Sodom story. This is undoubtedly true, but it misses the point. The point is that the Bible reflects the moral prejudices and limitations of those who wrote and assembled it. Genesis 19 makes that abundantly clear (as do passages regarding slavery, and numerous others).

    Once you grant that point, you can’t settle moral claims merely by insisting that “the Bible says so.” The Bible says lots of things—some true, some false, and some downright bizarre.

    So when fundamentalists quote the Bible at my events, I don’t try to silence them. On the contrary, I ask them to continue reading.




    I think I especially like the last paragraph as this is something I have found in my own studies in the Bible.  We often read the verses and stories we are familiar with and then just stop once it gets into unknown territory.  We just accept the meaning behind them that we have been told and don't question its accuracy.  And once we do read something in the Bible and recognize that it perhaps goes against what we have been taught, we do one of four things: 1) We ignore it.  2) We attempt to question it and simply end up finding ways to justify our original thoughts.  3) We question it and panic and experience a meltdown of our faith.  4) We question it and attempt to find the truth behind it.  I think that Corvino has the right idea here when he asks them to keep reading.  Sometimes there are things that we have been taught that are not accurate to Scripture and all it takes is a little more reading of the passage to find the truth.

    It is true that in Judges 19 the same thing happens again, where men of the city came to the door to "know" the man inside the home.  In this story though, they send the concubine out and she is gang raped until she is dead.  This story is very similar to the story of Sodom.  And what this says to me is that there must be something culturally significant happening here.  I've discovered that in that time to shame an enemy like in a time of war, for instance, they would be raped.  It was a terribly shaming thing for those who were defeated.  It had nothing to do with gay people or homosexuality.  The act here was to intentionally inflict deep pain and shame on another person.

    Something I recently read in the Bible is in Ezekiel 16, and this has blown me away because I wonder how I have never heard this before.  Perhaps someone can explain it to me because it seems fairly clear to me that the Bible explains what the sins of Sodom are.  In this chapter, God is angry at the unfaithfulness of Jerusalem, stating that they are more wicked than Sodom and Samaria.  Ezekiel 16:49,50 reads: "Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed, and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.  They were haughty and did detestable things before me.  Therefore I did away with them as you have seen" (NIV).  He goes on to say more of how Jerusalem is more wicked than Sodom and Samaria.

    People have told me that Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of the sin of homosexuality.  I have been told that any view besides this is just some flawed perspective of a liberal new age pro-gay theologian who wouldn't know the meaning of Scripture even if it was written out clearly in the Bible for him to read.  It appears to me that it is written pretty clearly that the sin of Sodom was indeed some form of inhospitality.  What surprises me is that the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is still used today as evidence against the acceptance of gay people in our churches and society, yet this verse is never referred to.  Why is that?

    This paper is due at the end of April.  I am hoping that I will be able to explain myself properly as this may be one of the most important papers I write while in university.  Not only is it worth a lot of my final grade, but it is also worth a lot to me personally in preparing myself for discussions I expect to have in the future with Christians about homosexuality.  Sodom and Gomorrah is just one of the examples I will use.  I hope to be able to fully examine this and other claims that have been used to oppose gay rights in the United States.

    If you have any thoughts on this please let me know.  I will really be able to benefit from all points of view on this and other common arguments against gay rights.

        t - y.

    Currently
    Lesbian and Gay Rights in Canada: Social Movements and Equality-Seeking, 1971-1995
    By Miriam Smith
    see related

Saturday, 07 March 2009

  • Another Good Day Ruined

    I had an incredible day yesterday.  But I hate it when good days are ruined by something terrible at the very end.

    I was very productive all day, which is rare for me.  Spring for Life, the annual fundraiser for the Lethbridge HIV Connection, is coming up in a week and I spent the morning and early afternoon getting some things figured out before the weekend and putting up posters around the university.  I also received confirmation that Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship, or IVCF, and the university's sorority will be helping our club, the Gay and Lesbian Integrity Association, or GALIA, yet again this year.  I always get very excited for this fundraiser so for it to be so happening so soon makes me happy.

    I also spent the afternoon and early evening typing up all the songs on 16 karaoke disks and arranging them in alphabetical order for GALIA's first karaoke night.  I know there are faster ways to do it, but sometimes I just choose to do things the hard way.  I don't know why.

    My friend Brock, a youth leader from my hometown, decided to visit and join us for karaoke at the Mix, the lounge in Ric's Grill in the old water tower.  Brock and I go way back from our Bible college days.  It's always a good time when I hang out with him.

    Karaoke started at 10 PM, and the lounge was packed!  People sang non-stop for the next 4 hours!  A complete success.  The marketing manager of the Mix in Lethbridge approached me and said that it was a success for him as well.  They couldn't get the drinks out fast enough.  He said that if GALIA wants to do anything at the Mix in the future that he would be more than happy to have us there again.  What more could I ask for?  Everything went better than I had planned.

    The night ended with a 2 AM trip to Denny's.  The service wasn't too bad this time, which is odd for Denny's at 2 in the morning.  The company was great, the food was pretty good, and I was floating.

    And then it happened.

    It could have seemed fairly insiginificant to some, but for those of us at our table it really destroyed the mood for a short amount of time, and I think it has affected me more than I even know.

    The table next to us was full of a group of big, loud drunk guys.  They had been yelling and laughing and annoying the entire restaurant since the moment we got there.  My roommate's girlfriend was fairly uncomfortable with them being so close to us and talking to us.  It was funny at one point because one of the guys noticed my roommate's curly moustache and announced to the restaurant that he was "The man", which followed by a thunderous applause.  But people who have too much alcohol in them are bound to do something stupid.

    Our group moved to a table just behind them, so they would have to turn around in their seats to look at us.  We could still hear everything they were saying.  I'm sure all the tables surrounding theirs could hear what they were saying.  I was playing a game on Brock's iPhone when we overheard one of the guys say quite loud, "I bet that guy with the blonde curly hair sucks cock for a bus ticket."  Our table went silent.

    I kept staring at the iPhone, pretending to still be interested in my game, but really I was in a state of shock.  I could feel blood rushing to my face and I knew I was turning red.  I became very hot and two intense feelings suddenly surged through me: the first was anger.  I immediately wanted to get out of my seat and punch the man in the throat.  I never get angry, not like that anyways.  It was such a bizarre thing to feel.  The second feeling was fear.  I wanted just as badly to get out of my seat and walk out the door and drive home.  I didn't know what he was capable of doing.  I didn't know what he was intending by outing me like that.

    I continued to stare at the iPhone and that is when I realized that nobody was saying anything.  And then I felt something else, perhaps stronger than the first two: humiliation.  Everyone at the table knew I was gay, and everyone is well aware of the stigma this society still places on gay people, and everyone felt just as embarrassed by the remark.  The guy did not know that I am gay, but it really does not matter.  It was a terribly disgusting thing to say, and this complete stranger directs it at me in front of my friends.

    Conversation slowly began to work its way into our circle again, but I kept finding my mind wandering elsewhere from time to time.  Soon the guy came and sat in our booth to say a few words.  I looked him right in the eye.  He apologized and said that he did not mean anything by it and excused his drunkenness.  He didn't want to be offensive, to which I said, "I am extremely offended."  He hoped things would be okay between us.  I stared at him and quickly and coldly said, "Fine", which wasn't what I really wanted to say to him.  I just didn't want him at our booth anymore.  I didn't know him and he didn't know me, and that's exactly how I wanted to keep it.

    I think the reason why this has affected me so strongly is because I have not been the direct target of such humiliating words.  I've had friends joke around and people say some awful things to me, but nothing that caused me to feel such intense emotions instantly.  I didn't know how to respond.  I was angry.  I was afraid.  I was embarrased.  And I'm glad that I was so confused at the time because I'm sure there are a lot of things that I don't even know that I am capable of doing should one of those feelings take over.

    Needless to say, it kind of ruined the mood.  I needed to talk about it with my friend, but I tried to remind myself what an amazing day it was prior to that guy's insensitive remarks.  It just would have been nice to have gone to sleep happy after a day like that.

         t - y.


    Currently
    The Fray
    By The Fray
    see related

Thursday, 26 February 2009

  • My Expired Cheese

    Like so many other bloggers here on Xanga, I find myself neglecting my poor forgotten blog.  It make me kind of sad that I don't take the time anymore to publish a new entry.  It's kind of the same sadness as realizing your favourite cheese is way past the expiration date.  You could take another bite, but you just can't ignore that strange mold and you know in your heart that its time has come for the trash can.  Much in the same way I feel my blog has reached the expiration date and mold has grown over it.  I would love to continue it but it may be time to face the truth and move on.

    This blog has meant a lot to me over the years that I've been posting to it.  I started it intending to share my thoughts with other people and receive feedback from them in order to help shape my ever changing worldviews, like most everyone else on here, and I feel I have gained a lot from it.  This blog also helped me to make connections with so many cool people and it was nice being able to share bits of my life with you.  I really enjoyed everyone allowing me in to share bits of your lives as well.

    In the past I have taken breaks from this blog a number of times.  This last break may not even be the longest one I have taken away from it.  It would actually be easy for me to return to it and resurrect it once again.  But there is a bigger reason for me to move on from this blog.

    For those of you who have actually been reading my blog since its conception or those who have gone back and read from the beginning it's fairly obvious that my life has changed quite a few times, and so has my writing.  I understand that there are people reading my old blogs and coming out a little confused as to what is going on with me.  I suppose that makes sense since my blog has been so inconsistent in its content as I have often waited months between entries.  And lately I haven't been writing about any updates on my life.  So, perhaps it's soon time that I log out for the last time.

    However, that does not mean the end of my blogging.

    Since I love writing and love to hear people's opinions I am feeling that instead of giving up blogging altogether I am going to start a new blog.  A blog that is more up-to-date.  And one that I once again feel a passion to update sooner than 6 months at a time.  Think of it like your favourite cheese that's recently gone bad.  After tossing it out you don't just give up on cheese altogether.  No, you go and buy some more and make sure that next time it isn't forgotten.  (I must be hungry.  Too much talk about cheese.)

    When the new blog is up I will let you all know in case you want to continue with me on this big, crazy, confusing, exciting journey we all call life.  Hopefully I don't put it off for too long.  And as for this bit of cheese, I'll be putting it in a glass case and preserving it.  I don't intend to toss it.  After all, it is my favourite cheese, right?

    In the meantime, I think I'm going to pay attention to my stomach and get out some crackers and cheese.  My actual favourite, jalapeño havarti.


         t - y.

    Currently
    Dreaming Out Loud
    By OneRepublic
    see related

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Thursday, 11 September 2008

  • Worship

    Last night, after living on my parents' farm over the summer, I attended my church's young adults Bible study here in Lethbridge for the first time since moving back to the city.  And I felt ... amazing just being there.  For so long I have craved being able to worship God with other Christians and feel included and accepted while being honest and open about my sexual orientation.  Last night I definitely recognized that this is finally a reality for me.  God is so good!



Sunday, 06 July 2008

  • Reply To A Friend

    It has been a very long time since I have posted any new blog entries.  I decided that I needed to take some time off from writing about things that were on my mind because I just didn't know what to think.  So I've been wanting to get back to blogging for a couple months now, but couldn't find the right thing to write about.  The following entry is actually a reply I sent to a friend of mine referring to his loss of faith in the ex-gay movement and some of the issues he has had to deal with.  I felt this would be a good way to resurrect my blog.  I guess I'm not feeling "Censored" anymore as I was in one of my previous entries.  Just as before, I do not post because I want everyone to believe what I believe.  Not only is that an impossible goal, but I don't believe I have everything right.  I still have a lifetime of seeking and learning ahead of me.  My reason for a blogging is to share my experiences with others and to get feedback (constructive feedback) to help me shape my world view.



    Yes, I am dating a guy from Exodus.  We've been together now for 9 months and it's been so good.  Sucks because we only get to see each other every once in a while, but it's good because all we ever do is talk and we know each other so well now.  Some of my friends, even my straight friends, are jealous of us because we fell in love without having to deal with some sort of physical wreck.

    A lot of what you said I can totally relate to.  Like coming to this realization that nothing seemed good enough about you until you were willing to change everything about yourself.  That to me was something that didn't make sense to me not only as a homosexual, but more strongly as a Christian.  This "come as you are" mentality that I feel is a good part of Christianity almost seemed lost.  Also people coming up to you and telling you what they "see" in you, as if they had some sort of spiritual x-ray vision, is something I had to deal with as well.  Although I am usually interested to hear what people "see" in me, when people told me that I was NOT homosexual and that it was all just a lie from the devil and that there was something better inside of me that wanted to break out I just thought, "You really have no idea, do you?"  And that was even coming at a time when I was trying to change my sexual orientation. I personally hate it when I hear people say things like "we're here to help you become a MAN of God" because it is almost like they are saying that being gay is synonymous with being a woman.  That you have somehow become more feminine and lost that "true masculinity" that all good Christian men ought to have, when in reality there is no single true form of masculinity, no one real kind of Christian man.

    It pains me right down to my core when people tell me that they had to walk away from God or the Church because they felt they had no other choice.  I do believe that people truly feel they have no other choice because, well, Christians can be incredibly mean.  After all, they are human.  And they can often make us believe that God doesn't like us because, I think often they don't like us.  It doesn't follow with their idea of what is right.  I have spoken to a lot of homosexuals just in Lethbridge who have at some point walked away from God and the Church either with their heads hung low in shame or with major anger issues, and every time I hear them say they felt they had the choice either to realize and accept their homosexual orientation or remain a Christian, I shake my head and say, "Why were those two choices even made?"  Why can't someone who is a homosexual be a Christian?  Because someone said that we aren't playing by the rules so we can't join their club?  Since when does God say, "Sorry the request you sent in to be a Christian has been denied.  You can no longer believe in me or the saving, life changing Good News of Jesus' life and death.  And I'll just have to stop loving you until you change.  Now why don't you just go and start fresh without me?"  My beliefs of God are stronger than what people may believe about me.  If they think I am going to hell, well, they can think whatever they want about me.  But what they don't realize, or perhaps even want to realize, is that I have a relationship with God.  He's been my close friend whom I have loved and trusted since I was a very small boy.  And even though we had a rocky period a few years ago, He was still there through it all.  I don't believe what some people say about God because the difference between them and I is that I have experienced God for myself.  And their version of God is not the God, who is Love, that I know.  I am a Christian.  I can't help that.  My trust and love for God can't be taken from me.  My sense of His existence can't be removed.  I am a Christian.  And at the same time I am a homosexual.  I am into dudes, not just on a physical or sexual level, but also on an emotional and spiritual level.  And although I saw some change in how I responded to physical attractions towards guys, the emotional attraction that I felt remained unchanged.  I just can't share with women what I can share with a man.  That, I do not believe can be changed.  I am a homosexual.  People may say I can't worship the God of Truth and Life, but I say that no matter what my circumstances or wherever I may be in life my spirit can't help but get excited about God, the one who refuses to turn his back on me.

    One question that I have been thinking about for a while now is ... since when has our battle been against flesh and blood?  When did Christians start fighting against homosexuals?  When did Christians decide that homosexuals would be the "them" in the "us" and "them" mentality that Jesus so strongly opposed?

    I love how you said that it's more important not to lie than to be straight.  Jesus speaks about how you can't serve two masters, why it is so important to be true to yourself rather than trying to live a double life.  The Bible says that you should not bear false witness.  That was the biggest problem I had when I was trying to hide my sexuality that I was lying and covering up and trying to be someone I wasn't.  I heard this saying today, "Fake it 'til you make it," and I guess I thought that I would have "made it" someday if I had tried long enough to be straight.  I had been trying since I was 12, but 10 years later still no change had taken place and then I found myself falling in like with a guy, who has brought such incredible happiness and confidence to me which I had not experienced before.

    So I wanted to make this as short as possible, and now I feel that I am dragging this on too long.  Don't be fooled by what people say to you when they speak of God's disappointment and hatred toward you.  It could very well, and I believe this, their own misunderstanding, insecurity, and/or possibly hatred that they themselves feel toward you and just label it "From God".

    Peace, love, and justice brother!

        -Tyson-


    Currently Reading
    Everything Must Change: Jesus, Global Crises, and a Revolution of Hope
    By Brian McLaren
    see related
  • Visit t_y_son's Xanga Site
    • Name: Tyson
    • Country: Canada
    • State: Alberta
    • Metro: Lethbridge
    • Birthday: 6/6/1985
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 3/14/2006

About Me

  • I like adventures. My life is an adventure. I like my life.

Pulse